I think that some point, every woman (and probably every man) goes through a time when they feel less than. Less than adequate. Less than beautiful. Less than intelligent. Everyone is better looking, smarter, more confident and more put together. Everyone has a better head on their shoulders. To speak frankly, you feel like shit about yourself in some capacity (or every capacity) and you fall into a hole you've dug for yourself. You trap yourself in a space that feels unsafe and self-hating. This trap is hard to dig out of. It's much easier to succumb to the negative and feel sorry for yourself. Life is hard, sometimes overwhelmingly hard, and you pull the covers up over your head and don't take a shower because no one cares about you and you look just as inadequate as you feel.
For me, these feelings are usually a factor of PMS, but not always. Here on the East Coast, the seasons are shifting into winter and daylight is short. It's dark when I leave my job at 4:30 p.m. and go home to my apartment that never seem to be clean enough for me to be happy with. The weather and time change definitely play a role in my mood. And in my brain, that is always overthinking everything, I'm still wrestling with the love of being an independent woman but the side effects of always being "the third wheel" and sometimes going home alone.
But I'm determined (I am a Capricorn after all) to get myself out of this rut. I want to get myself back to the place where I loved myself completely. Where I felt confident in my own skin and it showed. Where I knew what I wanted and wasn't afraid to tell you about it. For me it's a constant struggle of feeling amazing, and then feeling really lousy. But like every other time, I'm going to push through. I'm going to get out of bed and put on the clothes that make me feel like the bombshell I know I have in me. I'm going to take the time to add lipstick when I'm feeling low. I'm going to start running again and eating better, so I get back to a place where I feel great. I'm going to be the third wheel and not care because I'm having a night out with friends. I'm going to allow myself to laugh at my flaws. I'm going to spend time cleaning and keeping my life organized instead of coming home from work and sleeping all night on the sofa and eating hummus for dinner.
I'm writing this here as a way to hold myself accountable. I need a change of mindset. I need to be the bigger person and get over my negative self. Because it blows. And I'm the only one who can make myself feel great.